A few days ago, I was informed that I have become a selfish person, and I cannot feel love because I have stopped giving back love for some while. This inability to love is why people hate me, people dislike me, people avoid me. And so I have this quaking gaping emptiness that I feel.
I must say, I did not mind at all. These statements seem harsh, but I did not mind, becuase they have been all true.
I am thinking for quite some time, what it means to be living. I saw a group of travel photographers on youtube the other day. they were filming at icy peaks in Iceland. one of them said, we coukd all be having a desk job and a comfortable life, but we chose the hard way, and because we agreed to pay with our body, we are living.
truer words have seldom been said. tears rolled down my eyes as i listened to him. every person feels differently, every person has a distinct meaning of what life. it is indeed a wonder that so many people live tgether as families, couples, friends, while their thoughts are s different. either we as people choose to remin ignorant about our thoughts, and ignorance is bliss; or we suppress our thoughts to have a life of comfort. of course, there are people who trully feel that comfrtable life is the essence of living, but that is a different story.
so it occurs to me, what price I would be willing to pay to feel alive? my answer : i don;t know. I know that i am willing to pay the price, but i just don;t know what that price is, or how i could pay it. and so i realised, i am doomed to exist through the emptiness.
I realised, along the way, I have traded a lot of my life ignorantly. I aspired a lot for time on earth. but my aspirations were so outlandish for my conscious mind that they never transpired. my inner sense knew i craved for stories worth telling, adventures worth recounting, risks worth retelling- but my subconscious mind never could find the path that would lead to the point where such adventures begin. It does not matter how much resources you have, how much you are ready to pay, unless and until you know where and how to pay with that resource. my conscious mind never ;earmed it, and chose what was within clear sight- the conventional life.
I ended up doing what I never for once wanted to do. And just once I did well, and that seemed to say maybe this is a path worth following. how wrong that idea was! the path i chose was hilly, and while i could climb with comparable ease than i could cover other paths, I mistook everest for my hilltop. mountains and hills are similar enough to fool you, and different enough to dismantle your delusions. i learned it perhaps. my aspirations led me astray, my aspirations provoked me to pay with my sanity, my peace, my happiness, my sanctity. And it was too late until I noticed. i had spent too much by the time i realised. now, i don;t have much left in my reservoir- be it energy, liveliness, visions. but what I have clearly run out is aspiration itself. my aspirations hve led me to apathy.
so I did not mind upon being told that i am selfish, because my apathy saves me from any feeling now. I dont feel rage, or sadness, I am not happy, nor hopeful. the only think I feel is the sensation that i am not living at all.
and all the while if the cost has been high, the value has been exceptionally low. at the end of the day, the human worth is measured automatically. no algorithm, no paegentry, no competitive system, not even social selection. tye worth of all reveals on its own, and peopel simply allude to it. one cannot plan for it, ne cannot prepare for it.
so may be I will take my stop here. I will stop my aspirations. I know that for the rest of my time, i will never live, but even existing requires certain systems to be in place. i shall run the system, reboot it time to time. But for now, I bid farewell to aspirations. And here comes the catch: I forgo my aspirations in the hope for sanity. And like that my aspiration till looms over in the dark corers of my psyche. Apathy itself puts on the robe of aspiration.
Maybe that’s the greatest villainy of earthly human existence: it never lets go completely, even when you are completely bankrupt.