We often hear that a person with mental health condition cannot move one do things that are easy to do. I am sure many of us wonder, how is that even possible? How can one NOT move?
Let me tell you how.
It is not that I feel paralysed bodily. No. I can feel my legs or hands, chest, head, back. I can open eyes. Breath. But that’s it. When it hits me, that is all I can do.
Today i woke up. I don’t know when. I could not check the clock. Not because I don’t have one But because I was afraid. I knew, looking at the time I spent sleeping will hit me hard. It will remind how I am just spending my precious time of life by being inside a room, on a medium size bed. Just lying. I was wide awake. After the nightmares of early morning, when I saw I was beating someone, and swiftly changed to someone abusing me, I was now awake. But I couldn’t move. The nightmares started recently. In most nightmares I was abused. No, not sexually. I only once had a sexually violent dream, wherein somebody I spent my daytime with grabbed by body. I never found out why I had such a violent dream. I never shared it with anyone.
But now the dreams are scare as they take me far away places where I fail to survive. Sometimes like a videogame. So when I am awake, I try not to doze off. But I am not not alert either.
I tried to guess the time. I don’t know how much time passed, when I heard the Azaan and knew it was past noon. I tried to move. I could not bring my back to upright position so as to sit. The best I could do is raise my hand and subside. It was automatic. It wasn;t like it was difficult or that I felt paralysed to move hands. No. It was automatic. I had no control over my body. My hands moved at their own will. My body subsided on its own will, even if my brain knew it was time to get up from the bed. After a while, my neck and back were aching from lying stiffly for so long. Yet, I couldn;t do anything. I tried again. I gathered energy inside my mind, in my head, and tried to push the energy to my middle part of the body to sit up on the bed. When I tried to channel the energy from head to body, it evaporated. I remained still.
Minutes passed. I tried again. I could life myself a bit. But that was hard, so I fell down on my side and kept lying like that.
During this whole period, I wasn’t numb. I was thinking. Lots of thoughts rushing through my head. Like how a 32 year old person is spending days on bed for 12 hours. How in this whole wide world my life consists of a bed, a computer , a phone and my bedroom. How I am simultaneously afraid and crave for sleep, for while sleep brings nightmares, it also offers momentary escapade from my existence.
Then the anxiety starts creeping in. What am I doing? Why am I wasting my days lying down, doing nothing, producing nothing. Then it goes blank. I don’t know anything. I can;t think of anything. I can’t construct a thought- yet it is a thought. What oxymoron!
The anxiety keeps growing. Now I feel it in my chest and legs. I start shaking my legs. I brush them against the bedsheet. I try to shake off the buzzy feeling. I stroke them against each other. I feel the flesh and bones, the pain in the muscles, but my legs dont connect with my waist so as to support me to sit.
The anxiety grown. Now I am angry at myself. It can;t be so hard. Just get up and start your day, damn it! I start wishing for a pulley, or a copicle, that will bind my wrists and pull me up. If only something or someone would come and pull me hands to put me in an upright position, maybe I could put my feet down on the floor.
But there is no pulley. It is just me.
Suddenly the anxiety reaches a point, and I jump out of my bed. Yes, that is correct. I jumped out. Me, who couldn’t move a muscle just an hour back, jumps out.
Why? How did the sudden rush happen?
I have no idea.